Prayerfully Pressing On.

Well, hello there....

                   I’m so glad you’re here!  

I’m Mary Alexia, a pediatric speech-language pathologist, safer beauty advocate, fitness fanatic, and momma in the making! The best decision I have ever made, secondary to salvation, was snagging my cute hubby, Ben, six years ago. We tied the knot in the front yard of my childhood home, and the rest of it is history! Marriage has been the most rewarding and challenging adventure, but thankfully loving him is easy and so much fun.

Shortly after Ben and I married, God placed it on our hearts the desire to become parents. After a mission trip to Haiti serving at a small orphanage in the village of Croix des Bouquets, we felt God tugging at our heartstrings to pursue adoption. Unfortunately, that “tug” came with an intimidating price tag, redirecting our family planning to a biological expansion until we felt we could afford adoption.

I’ll never forget the morning that pregnancy test read “positive.” The rush of excitement and fear, the overwhelming instantaneous sense of responsibility knowing that you are now growing a teeny tiny human, and the sheer joy of finally obtaining the coveted title “momma”. I wish I could bottle that feeling up, and share it with the world. Pure bliss. It lingered for 10 sweet weeks before we said goodbye to our first baby. After that, I just felt numb.

Fast forward to 2020. A new year, a fresh start. We were headed into the second trimester with our second precious baby boy, and hope abounded with a healthy, thriving pregnancy. We were certain we would be kissing his sweet face in just a few short months, and then one frigid January afternoon, his little heart stopped beating. 

Our third baby entered the arms of Jesus on July 10, 2020. A baby so wanted and so loved, I could almost feel them in my arms. The pain you feel as a mother in waiting when you are forced to give your miracle back, is the loneliest most excruciating pain I’ve ever known. 

Our children change us, whether they live or not. In less than a year, I have carried, loved, lost, and grieved our three miracles. Each one has changed me, and made me stronger, braver, more selfless, and intensely yearning for eternity with them. Although I couldn’t give them the world, my three babies have given me everything. An understanding of my own resilience, the ability to be there for others who need to know they aren’t alone, and the reassurance that my marriage can get through the darkest of days. They are my saddest, sweetest gifts. 

I didn’t get the chance to love them Earthside, but I know that when I reach Heaven’s gates, the three most beautiful babies are going to be there waiting for me. There they will be, hand in hand, the three sweetest souls whose feet never touched the ground, but who have touched so many lives.

Our sorrow does not negate our love for the Lord. Our tears and sadness do not weaken our faith and trust in Him. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, and even when it is not the answer that we want. God is still good.

It is with a grieving yet hopeful heart that Ben and I have made the decision to pursue adoption. We know that this road will be filled with bumps, turns, and potential heartache on its own, but we can’t wait to see God show up, and show off for our growing family! We pray the happy days outweigh the sad, but more than anything we want every single day of our lives, the highlights and the horror, to tell of who God is and the love that He has for us.

God’s ways are not like ours, and His timing isn’t either.

We are certain that He is taking His sweet time, because He is forming the most beautiful masterpiece to add to our family. This season of suffering and waiting has been agonizing, but it has caused us to be still and listen for God’s voice and His guidance.

This past year, I’ve learned to let go of the pen, and trust God to write the beautiful story for my life. In prayer, He reminded me that my precious babies never had to endure the brokenness of this world. He gave me hope knowing that the first thing their eyes saw was the face of Jesus. He assured me that although my heart was hurting, that He was still good. His love for me was unconditional, and He knew what it was like to lose a child because He gave His one and only to die for me. He was with me the entire time, and He promised me that He would carry me until the end.

Through the years of fear and doubt of never knowing motherhood, He reassured me that He would grant me the desires of my heart. Each morning my pregnancy test read ‘positive’ He was there dancing and rejoicing with me. When the pain began, He wrapped His arms around me. As I pleaded out to Him in desperation, He reminded me that I am never alone, and He comforted me. As all three of our babies slipped from my womb into His arms, He held us and promised me that we would meet again one day. Now, He is healing me, just as His word said He would. He is wiping away my tears and strengthening me each day. Some days are harder than others, and I have found that as I grieve I don’t always have the strength to reach for Jesus. I am so thankful that even when I’m weak, He reaches for me, and finds me every single time.

He is my friend. He is my comforter. He is my healer. He is my redeemer. He is my refuge. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is good, and His love endures forever.

He has entrusted me to carry three precious miracles, and now I must trust Him to match us with ours.

If you’re still with me, hang on tight! God has BIG plans ahead, and we are excited to show off His glory and faithful to us!  

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11