2020 Top Nine
Instagram’s infamous highlight recap of the “top nine” moments of your previous year is a post-Christmas treat that all social media fans await. As my “top nine” generated, the spinning wheel before me caused my mind to spin as well, flashing back to all that 2020 was, and all that it wasn’t. The good, the bad, the grief, the gratitude, the heartbreak, and the hope. What I wasn’t expecting when my “top nine” flashed upon the screen was to see so many highlight photos sandwiched between so many heartbreaks.
2020 started off with a bang! A fresh new start and a sweet baby boy on the way. We announced to the world the joyous news of our long-awaited pregnancy on January 17, 2020, only to say goodbye to that sweet miracle two weeks later. I took some much-needed time away from social media from the day we lost our son until the end of May, when Ben and I celebrated our 6thyear of marriage in our beloved pop-up camper at the lake. The photo caption read “Sliding into year six with the person I couldn’t do life without! This is our year, babe!” That weekend was the first time I had felt like myself in months. It was the first time I could breathe again.
After the miscarriage in January, delivering the baby at home caused me to develop an infection, requiring surgery, which inevitably prolonged my physical and emotional healing. I spent the month of February at home recovering, which was a much longer process than I ever could have imagined. I returned to work at the beginning of March, only to be sent home two weeks later for the COVID19 pandemic. Working from home was a blessing and a challenge, but allowed me the time I needed to heal and grieve the loss of my son. Quarantine in the midst of grief is a lonely place to be, and a challenge I wouldn’t have been able to overcome without my faith. Many of my darkest days crept by during that time, and in hindsight, I can see that my Lord and Savior was right there with me through it all. At the end of April, when the ground had softened and was warm enough for a shovel to pierce through, we buried our son. On May 5th,we honored our first baby lost to miscarriage on what would have been their birthday. Then on May 10th, I celebrated my first Mother’s Day with empty arms and a shattered heart, and hoped for a brighter future.
On July 10th, I lay in a hospital bed processing the harsh reality that Ben and I had just lost our third baby. We felt completely defeated and hopeless, and I was sure that the door to ever creating a family biologically had closed for us. That night was filled with so much grief, as we mourned with families surrounding us in the emergency room who too had lost children that day to tragedy.
My photo caption read: “Although my eyes are fixed on Christ, it’s hard to see Him through the tears. I feel defeated. I don’t understand why I continually grasp for motherhood, and it slips through my fingers over and over again.
Our third baby entered the arms of Jesus last night. A baby so wanted and so loved, I could almost feel them in my arms. The pain you feel as a mother in waiting when you are forced to give your miracle back, is the loneliest most excruciating pain I’ve ever known.
Our children change us, whether they live or not. In less than a year, I have carried, loved, lost, and grieved our three miracles. Each one has changed me, and made me stronger, braver, more selfless, and intensely yearning for eternity with them. Although I couldn’t give them the world, my three babies have given me everything. An understanding of my own resilience, the ability to be there for others who need to know they aren’t alone, and the reassurance that my marriage can get through the darkest of days. They are my saddest, sweetest gifts.
I didn’t get the chance to love them Earthside, but I know that when I reach Heaven’s gates, the three most beautiful babies are going to be there waiting for me. There they will be, hand in hand, the three sweetest souls whose feet never touched the ground, but who have touched so many lives.”
Six days after we lost our third baby, Ben and I decided to follow God’s lead in pursuit of adoption. It was a decision we had been praying about for years, but had never felt confident financially to take that leap. Setting all fear aside, we jumped feet first into the adoption process, and God not only blessed it, He flung the door wide open! We were showered with love and support from near and far, and in just two week had orchestrated two hugely successful fundraisers, and submitted our application to Faithful Adoption Consultants! The caption read: “We believe that the choice to pursue adoption is not so much a decision, but a calling from the Lord. We are no longer going to let fear dictate what God is fully capable of creating, and we know that He will make everything beautiful in His time. It is now that we begin this journey with hearts full of hope and faith that one day we will have a child whom we can love Earthside. We are confident that God is not only going to show up, but that He will show off his faithfulness and love for us through growing our family. He entrusted me to carry three precious miracles, and now Ben and I must trust Him to match us with ours. We’re Adopting!”
6 weeks after submitting our application, we were approved on August 27, 2020 to officially begin the adoption process. As we fervently prayed for the baby growing in our hearts, a surprise addition was growing in my womb as well. I was 7 weeks pregnant the day we officially started our adoption journey. We plan, God laughs!
Telling Ben that we were adopting AND expecting was as magical as seeing him for the first time walking down the aisle. To say that we were shocked and slightly scared would be an understatement! Yes, we hoped for two babies, we wanted two babies, and we already loved our two babies unconditionally! Despite our fears of my diagnosis of unexplained infertility and no logical answer as to why my reccurent miscarriages had occurred, Ben and I never for a second doubted God’s plan. We were confident that adoption was the path in which He wanted us to purse, and finding out that I too was expecting was just the icing on the cake! Our hearts still desired to grow our family though adoption, we were now just grateful and utterly amazed and the two separate gifts that God bestowed upon us to build our family.
Fast forward to October. At 16 weeks pregnant, I became extremely ill, more so than I had been in my first 14 weeks of pregnancy. I reassured myself that it was a good sign that I was so sick, but the vomiting wouldn’t cease and it was difficult for me to get through the work day because of the extreme fatigue. After nearly 3 days of not keeping any food or fluids down, I called my OBGYN for guidance. They immediately got me in and began hydrating me with IV fluids, reassuring me that the baby was fine, and that I had probably just picked up some sort of bug. 4 days later, my test results came back informing me that I had tested positive for COVID19. It took me a full month to recover from the virus, all the while being so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to protect the life growing inside of me. I began symptoms on October 25, 2020 and was released from quarantine on December 4, 2020. Thankfully at my anatomy scan on December 7th, Wells looked as amazing as ever, sucking his sweet little thumb and sleeping with one hand behind his head. During my sickness and quarantine, I had watched friends lose loved ones, other mommas miscarry their precious miracles, and the wrath of COVID19 cause permanent devastation to so many families. I prayed every day that God would protect me and Wells, and He did. God carried us through and protected both of us, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.
We waited over 20 weeks until we shared the news of our fourth pregnancy. Despite reaching that half-way point, we were still reluctant to say it out loud for fear of loss again. 5 solid months where all Ben and I could do was try to fathom God’s love and faithfulness to us; while simultaneously trying to bask in the joy and suppress the anxiety for this tremendous gift. Flipping through the photos of me surprising Ben with the news is something I’ll never tire of. Me over-posting on social media however, may be something you all will tire of soon (if you haven’t already)! Haha!
Although we had been calling our precious boy “Wells” for months, we decided to officially announce it to share its meaning and our deep love for our son with the world. I had always dreamed of having a Wells and using my maiden name for my child to carry on. We chose two family names for him, Wells Everett, and can’t wait to see the sweet face that will turn to look at us when that name is called. Wells, I pray you have your daddy’s wit, your momma’s resilience, and a heart that loves like Jesus.
We wrapped up 2020 with a positive COVID19 test from Ben, quarantining away from each other under the same roof for 10 days leading up until Christmas! Thankfully, he remained asymptomatic, and we were able to enjoy some uninterrupted time together! It was a slow, quarantined Christmas with just the two of us, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. We slept late, cooked big, snuggled in, binged watched ‘I Love Lucy,’ and played a heck of a lot of Rummikub. 😂We “oohed” and “awwwed” at every baby kick we felt in my tummy, and talked about what next Christmas would look like with our precious babies. We didn’t spend much money this year, but we sure did spend a lot of time. We had a candlelight service at home, opened stockings with the pups Christmas morning, and soaked in all of the magic that Christmas was and still is. I am so thankfully that the person I get to be “stuck” with is Ben. My little family is my greatest blessing, and I know that during the hustle and bustle of Christmases in the future, I’ll look back on this quiet time and thank God that we had each other.
2020 has taught me that grief and gratitude most definitely coexist. Just as grief is not an illness to cure, gratitude is not a remedy to prescribe. 2020 has allowed me to grieve the life I thought would be, while anticipating the one ahead. It has taught me contentment in the present, and how to be still and listen to God in the silence and the loneliness; keeping my focus on Him. Although gratitude doesn’t cure our grief, it does provide a sense of positive perspective and a deeper healing. Gratitude allows our pain to accompany an appreciation for the people God has placed in our lives, and goodness has He placed some incredible ones in mine. Gratitude shifts our focus from worldly desires to eternal ones, reminding us that because of Christ, death and grief and heartache don’t get the final word. As I sit on the couch writing this blog, the strong kicks coming from my belly remind me just how precious life is, and how much I have to be grateful for in this very moment. I am thankful for Wells, I am thankful for our baby through adoption, and I am simultaneously grieving that I don’t have a 7-month-old and a 4-month-old in my arms at this moment. I’m giving myself grace. I’m feeling the grief but not staying there. I am hopeful for a better and brighter 2021.
And all of that is ok.
Cheers to 2021.
Xo,
Mary Alexia
I love you- every beautiful heart-felt word.
ReplyDeleteI pray against censorship especially for your story that so many need to hear. Your story is one of Hope!!!
Thank you, sweet friend. I love you too, so much.
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