Happy birthday in heaven, my precious boy.
It’s hard to believe that 9 months ago today I looked down at that positive pregnancy test in utter disbelief that I was going to be a mother. My entire life changed the instant the word “pregnant” appeared before my eyes. The most incredible gift was growing inside of me, and in the summer, I’d get to meet you for the first time.
My heart still aches when I think of how long I may have to wait to see your face. I long for Heaven more than I ever dreamt I would, because you and your siblings are waiting for me there. I truly believe that God has given me glimpses of you in my dreams, and the nights I get to spend with you are nights that I could sleep forever. Your hair is jet black and your eyes take my breath away. Piercing blue and twinkly, squinting up in the most adorable way when you smile. You are real. You are right there. I can feel you, and smell you, and kiss you, and hold you. Every single dream you are wearing the blue corduroy lamb playsuit that I simply had to have the day we found out you were a boy. I’ll know exactly what you’ll be wearing the day I meet you on those streets of gold, and I can’t wait to scoop you up for the first time.
Every inch of my body aches for you to be with me again. Some days it's still difficult to process the shock that you were there, and then you weren’t anymore. When I think back to the day we lost you, it feels like life is in slow motion; like I’m wandering around a nightmare that I can’t seem to awaken from. I see Ben walking into the lobby of the doctor’s office, the ultrasound tech’s face as she moved the wand around trying to find your heartbeat, your body projected on the ultrasound screen quiet and motionless. Your heart stopped beating that day, and mine did too.
Miscarriage takes everything. I didn’t just lose our baby boy. I lost hearing him coo for the first time, and seeing his first steps. I lost watching his chubby fingers reach up for me, and wrapping those fingers around a baseball bat as his dad taught him how to play. I lost Christmas mornings, loose teeth, first days of school. I lost a lifetime with him. An entire lifetime.
It’s difficult to put into words the amount of loneliness you feel when you lose a child. The capacity that your heart hurts missing someone that you never even met. That’s why I am so thankful for the dreams...the brief peeks of you. I get to see a glimpse of the person that you would have become, and it is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. You feel so real, because you are so real. Carrying you for the entirety of your life changed my life forever. The night I delivered your lifeless body, I was reminded at just how precious life is. God stitched you together in my womb and made you absolutely perfect. Seeing your tiny fingers and toes made your life feel even more real to me, and reminded me that even though I didn’t get to love you Earthside, I can look forward to spending eternity with you and your precious siblings. It brings me comfort knowing that you aren’t alone in heaven, and that our other angel babies were there to greet you when you entered the gates. My three precious babies, oh how I prayed for you and love you so. A part of me is missing without you all here, but I know that through this pain and heartbreak, God is still good and He will hold you in His arms until we meet again.
A small white dogwood tree is what we planted to honor and remember you. I don’t think I will ever erase the image from my mind of your dad placing the tiny prayer box into the ground and brushing dirt overtop. A prayer box we received on our wedding day with joyful scriptures full of hope from all of the people we love. It's funny when we said those vows, we never saw this chapter of our lives coming. We promised to love each other through good times and bad, in sickness and health, for better and for worse and we keep promising that every single day. To know that now the person I love more than my own self is buried inside of that box is heartbreaking, yet such a blessing. I got to see him and hold him, and I have the promise of spending eternity with him one day. You never know what's around the next corner of life, but through every joy and every pain, God remains.
August 15th was the day I looked forward to, not just in 2020, but for the rest of my life. Loving and celebrating you forever. I choose to celebrate this day anyway, because why wouldn’t I celebrate someone so special who had such an impact on my life in such a short time? The fact is, our children change us, whether they live or not, and you changed me for the better. So today I celebrate you, my sweet son. Thank you for making me a mother and for truly showing me what love is. Until we meet, I will love you a lifetime.
"I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you"
-I Will Carry You by Selah
Comments
Post a Comment